One of the greatest and most underrated life skills is the ability to have crucial conversations. If I had the choice to make it a prerequisite class for students to graduate I would. Having a class that teaches how to navigate and manage uncomfortable discussions would benefit people by making them more independent, confident, powerful, better communicators, strategic at achieving desired outcomes, experts at hostage negotiations 🤷♂️ and brave. The curriculum for this hypothetical course would be organized between professional and personal, even though there’d be overlap.
For the professional portion I’d have topics focused on scenarios such as:
Giving Feedback 👂 ~ Discussing constructive feedback with a manager, employee or teammate.
Negotiating Salary💰~ Speaking with an employer about compensation and benefits.
Delivering Bad News 📰 ~ Addressing issues, providing solutions, and showing strategic empathy.
Conflict Resolution 🙏 ~ Resolving conflicts between colleagues or team members.
Change Management 🌊 ~ Communicating and managing conversations during organizational restructuring.
For the personal section curriculum would have the following:
Relationship Expectations ❤️ ~ Discussing expectations and boundaries in a romantic relationship.
Family Finances 👶 💴 ~ Discussing financial goals, budgets, or concerns with family members.
Health Decisions 💪 ~ Conversations about healthcare decisions, especially in situations where you have to discuss the care and future of a loved one.
End-of-life Planning 👻 ~ Addressing topics related to wills, funeral arrangements, and other end-of-life decisions with family members.
For reading 📚 the books I’d assign and would be:
“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson
“Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
“Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well” by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life” by Marshall B. Rosenberg
“Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton
“Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss
Before I continue I’m trademarking this curriculum above☝️. The point I’m driving is that crucial conversations happen in a myriad of scenarios that impact quality of life, success of an individual or business, and address conflicts.
There are 3 ways people approach crucial conversations.
1. They tackle them with the mentality of a wrecking ball (shout out to Miley Cyrus). Everyone has encountered these kinds of personalities. They’re people who hyper focus on what they want and don’t think twice about the costs. Think of the last time you saw a “Karen” clip. Uncalculating, emotionally charged, illogical, and knocking over whomever stands in their way.
2. The passive Charlie Brown approach 🏈 . These are the people that are easily swayed, too trusting of others, and would rather submit than go through conflict.
3. The just right approach. These are individuals who see opportunity in conflict. They may seem fearless, but the reality is they’ve developed the skills and are confident in their abilities to speak in high stress scenarios.
The 3rd scenario is the goal 🥅, and it comes from sharpening skills and getting out of one’s comfort zone. Again, when facing high stakes or emotionally charged situations, this is an opportunity to learn and gain exposure. Here’s a story that will serve as a metaphor.
In college I enjoyed rock climbing and once in a while we’d do climbs in areas that seemed pretty menacing. One notable location was on the side of a mountain ⛰️ . The climb didn’t seem so intense but there was a spot with a steep drop. My friends and I would make our way over and climb up that side as a means of gaining “exposure.” Exposure in this scenario meaning getting comfortable with heights that meant death if you weren’t tethered to the mountain. My first climb there caused my hands and legs to shake uncontrollably. I was safely harnessed but slightly tilting my head to see what was below was enough to psych me out. However, the more I returned to this route and climbed to that same location, the more confident I became. The same principle of exposure applies to crucial conversations. The more opportunities to gain experience we have, the better we’ll be the next time around. Even if mistakes are made, painful mistakes make for an effective teacher.
The last principle I’ll share to take this home is a quote that I believe should be tattooed in everyone’s brain. “You don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.”
I’ve rephrased that quote from Chester L. Karrass to be more broad. This is one of those life lessons that Ive found to be true. Our lives for the most part are a result of our choices, and a lot of our choices were made as the result of a negotiation. Whether that be with ourselves, a spouse, an employer, a teacher, or family member.
Next time an opportunity comes up to have a crucial conversation, think to yourself these questions from the book conveniently titled“Crucial Conversations.”
What do I really want for myself? 💭
What do I really want for others? 👨👩👦👦
What do I really want for relationship? ❤️💔
Based on your answers, behave and communicate strategically so you get there. And remember, “it’s not about communication, it’s about results.”
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